“…writ in water”

It feels grey.  It swirls.  I can’t see.  I can’t find it.  I can’t hold on.  I’ve been here before.

Yvonne:  Thank you for putting up with all my mood swings during that patch in my life.  Thank you for being supportive and thank you for putting me in my place. 

Broken.  On the ground.  Shattered.  Pieces.  Glinting.  Sharp.  Exquisite.  Preserved

Sabrina:  I got the earrings and they are so beautiful!  You’ll always be my favourite jeweller =)  Thank you for all the entertaining stories.  Thank you for reading all my emails.  Thank you for all your responses- yes, even the not so nice ones. 

A drop.  Red.  Fallen. 

Anne:  I’m glad to have been able to spend some more time with you this past week.  You really work too hard and I’m happy that your time has finally freed up for you.  Thank you for all the encouragement you give me on msn while I’m at work.  Thank you for trying to find ways to enjoy life- ie. Chicago.  Thank you for always understanding and being positive.  Possibilities are endless. 

I want to go home. 

I’ve been really missing home.  I’m not quite sure why either.  I know I miss the mountains, the oceans, the beaches, the trees.  I miss familiarity.  I miss not having to second guess.  I miss simplicity.  I miss my memories.  Shadows.  Yes, even those. 

But what is it?

I think I want more but I’m afraid to ask.  I’m afraid to try.  Sick twisting emptiness deep down.  An emotion that I’ve just forgotten how to feel.  Maybe it’s unfair to ask?  It’s unfair to try?  To what end? There is no end.  When you jump in eyes wide open, there are still surprises. 

Where is it?

And then there’s the question of what I would like to do with my future.  It’s not as easy of an answer as I used to assume.  How can an individual’s personal decision affect another individual’s life so deeply?  Individual, independent, intertwined.

Gone.