“…writ in water”

Today’s blog is going to be a bit all over the place because I’m in no mood to organize my thoughts. About 10 or so days ago something happened that left me in a place I didn’t quite know how to feel about. Some of you know and many of you don’t. And don’t worry, it’s really not that big of an event (if I may even call it that,) but I have been irresponsibly using it as an excuse for the many unwise decisions that I’ve made in the past 2 weeks- ie. drinking again (bad) amongst other things (also bad)…

My bad decision-making also resulted in the untimely death of my notebook. This I am sure most of you know and if you don’t, I have a very handy and illustrative email that highlights my lack of judgment regarding this tragedy- ask and you shall receive. It is a tragedy because my notebook is for work and personal uses. I’ve lost all my pictures from my visits around Asia and my stay in Taiwan; and I’ve lost all the work that I have to pass on to the new associate next week. So I’ve been spending every night re-creating all the important files that I can remember and blowing off steam at late-night workouts in the gym. (Cody- I know you read this, I want to thank you again for all your help. Don’t worry about the notebook- I have some good-ish news to tell you about this when you get back from Thailand.)

Because of this bad-luck streak, I’ve been putting off packing and thinking about the things I have to do when I go back to Vancouver. It was good in a way because being depressed over events that unfolded in the past 2 weeks helped me forget about how I should be feeling about moving out of Taiwan. It still hasn’t sunk in that my 2 years in Taiwan is really coming to an end and I don’t know if this is because I’m just suppressing my feelings. I think I’ve been doing that a lot with a few areas in my life. And I think it can really be summed up by my sense of ‘time.’ Yes, back to Time again.

"Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can’t make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time."

I got that from "A Purpose Driven Life." Though I’m not a fan of the book, I do find that one part hitting pretty darn close to home. I find myself suppressing certain thoughts and feelings because I feel like dwelling on them is a waste of my time and that I should be doing other more worthwhile things instead of taking a time-out to simply feel. One thing is the biological parents/family issue. I think I’ve put it on the back-burner far too long that it’s starting to haunt me every now and then- like the cliche: ’skeletons in the closet.’ Another thing is the relationships in my life- I’ve stopped expecting things from certain people and I’ve stopped feeling anything towards anyone. Some because I find myself too busy to take the time to feel and others because (as above) feeling certain things seem to be a waste of time.

The only good thing that I am finding light in amongst these dark thoughts is my career goal. I’ve been struggling over my current choice of staying in Taiwan and going down the road that is paved for me or returning to Vancouver and choosing a new unknown path from there. After a good talk with my friend Colin and then reading that passage about Time I’m reassured that that the decision to leave Taiwan for unchartered territory will ultimately be the most worthwhile for my time, and my life.

It seems fitting that today I would write about Time and Life.  Over the past few days, I’ve been reading the Scientific American’s Special Edition on “Time.”  The magazine covers various topics related to time- Time Travel (very interesting stuff,) Biological Clocks, Mortality Countdown, Neurological Chronology, History of Time Pieces… and the list goes on.  All of the articles were interesting and my favourites were the ones related to Time Travel and Neurological Chronology.  However, for this blog I want to write about the Mortality Countdown.

While I was reading about the Mortality Countdown I was brought back to the reality of my own mortality.  I haven’t really given death too much thought lately as I’ve had other things to worry about.  But being reminded of the cap on how many times your cells divide and how long they last after that point really made me think about the obvious- every day I am getting closer to death.  One day my heart will stop beating and I only hope that in the moment before that happens I can look back and be satisfied with what I have done with my life. 

I bring this up today because today is the birthday of someone I once knew.  The last time I spoke with him we were talking about his plans for his future, the courses he planned on taking in school and the general things he wanted to do with his life.  Last year right before his 20^th birthday a car accident ended his life. 

Life is short.  Even if you do live until you’re 100.  There are so many things to learn, to experience, to see and to do in each stage of life that even a few lifetimes would not be enough.  But instead of focusing on the time I don’t have, I need to constantly remind myself to focus on the here and now.  There is not enough time to regret the past and there is not enough time for me to worry about a future that I am not even sure of.  As long as I make sure to use my time right now well, I know when my last moment arrives, I can look back and be satisfied.